In Waiting, Dryness, and Bitterness: Grace

A reader has written, someone who entered RCIA recently from a fundamentalist background.  He is experiencing a period of rather dry, bitter waiting as he is being prepared to enter the Church, experiencing certain doubts and temptations – and understandably feeling some disappointment after watching others enter the Church last week ahead of him, while he is still being prepared. 

I wrote him a response, and thought it might be useful to others, including those inside the Church, as the Lord often subjects us to periods of waiting, dryness, and bitterness, for purposes of His own that it is good for us to remember and meditate on.  I speak here of waiting to enter the Church; but the principles apply to any time when we are forced to wait, when circumstances are less than ideal, and we experience pain or bitterness as a result.  Here is my response, name and personal details omitted, of course.

Yes, waiting can be painful, and can make one feel bitter, for me sometimes like dry ashes in the mouth.  But it is in waiting and bitterness that the Lord sometimes accomplishes His most valuable work.  We humans are naturally impatient, want what we want now, not later.  We want satisfaction, gratification, want to feel good, now.

But the Lord does not always give us that, because He truly wants us to be satisfied, gratified, in Him alone, not in our circumstances or our feelings.  So keeping us waiting in dry, bitter circumstances is one of the ways that He purifies us of impatience, weans us of dependence on circumstances, and causes us to depend, lean, and rely truly on Him alone.

I know this is difficult for you.  But you must trust that hidden in these circumstances is a very great gift, a work of purification in your soul that no other circumstance could accomplish quite so well.  You must trust that the Lord is working - and let Him work.  Learn to relax peacefully into His arms, and peacefully into the arms of your Mother Church, whom you are already joined to through baptism.  Let Her nurture you during this time of waiting.  It will come to an end - and whatever the Lord works in your soul through it will be beautiful indeed.

You speak of "submitting to authority," and say, "I'm really being ripped out of my Fundamentalist / Reformed Doctrinal abstractions and being made to face the reality of Christ's Cross."  This is true.  And something more: you are being asked not only to submit, but to relinquish, to let go, to give up - and to find peace in that.  The Protestant world can be very controlling, was born out of a need to control, which itself was born of the frustration and impatience of the original reformers.  And part of becoming Catholic, which does not end at confirmation, is learning to relinquish that need to control so ingrained in us in the Protestant world.  It's hard - and it can take years.  I'm still learning how, myself - and it is a wonderful purification for my soul.

Sure, doubts, fears, temptations will come.  That is normal.  Pay them no mind - and if you do get caught up in them, the moment you realize you have, simply turn your gaze back to Christ, and let Him fill your mind.

And when the time comes for you to enter the Church, don't worry.  The entire Church, the whole heavenly host, will rejoice.  You are entering Christ's Church, and even in the worst of earthly circumstances, you are never alone.  Christ is with you, and the whole heavenly host surrounds you and is praying for you.  Trust that, whether you feel it or not.

So, trust in Christ, and trust the Church.  Don't worry.  Be at peace.  The Lord is in control, and He knows what He is doing.  Keep your eyes on Him in faith, and trust the process.  Someday you will look back on this, and see what a beautiful grace you were being given, and be thankful for it.  Be thankful for it now.  Thank the Lord every day for the beautiful grace He is giving you, and the wonderful work He is doing, even now, in your soul.